Mixed Signals Are Still Signals: How to Choose Better Partners
Dating can be exciting… and exhausting. For many people—especially those with anxious attachment—dating often feels like a rollercoaster of hope, confusion, and self-doubt. I often see this pattern in the therapy room: clients want connection so deeply that they override their intuition, minimize red flags, and hold onto relationships that ultimately drain them.
As Mel Robbins writes in Let Them, “Dating is hard because everybody is so scared to be alone.”
And when fear drives your dating life, you end up settling for attention, not love.
Why Anxious Attachment Makes Red Flags Hard To See
If you have an anxious attachment style, your nervous system is wired to scan for closeness—and panic when it feels threatened. That panic can make you ignore clear signs that someone is not emotionally available, consistent, or interested.
You might find yourself:
Confusing inconsistency for mystery
Accepting breadcrumbs as effort
Relying on overthinking to fill the gaps in communication
Trying to earn love instead of simply receiving it
Mel says it perfectly:
“If someone likes you, you’ll know. And if they don’t, you’ll be confused.”
Confusion is not chemistry.
Confusion is a warning sign.
In therapy, I remind clients: if you are constantly anxious, unsure, or trying to decode someone’s behavior… that’s not love. That’s your attachment system in fight-or-flight.
Mixed Signals Are Still Signals
One of the most common themes I hear:
“He says he likes me, but he never follows through.”
“She texts sometimes, then disappears.”
“He says he’s not ready for a relationship but wants to keep hanging out.”
Here’s the truth:
“If someone is sending you mixed signals, it means they are not interested.” – Mel Robbins
Mixed signals are clarity.
People who want you will make it known.
People who don’t will leave you guessing.
Stop Chasing the Potential of Who Someone Could Be
So many clients fall for the potential:
“He could be great once he works through his stuff.”
“She’ll be more available once things calm down.”
“He just needs more time.”
But as Mel says:
“Stop chasing the potential of who someone might be.”
You’re dating who they are right now, not the fantasy version in your head.
Someone’s potential is not your responsibility to unlock.
Chasing Pushes the Right People Away
When you over-invest, over-explain, over-give, or over-function, you are unintentionally teaching someone they don’t have to show up for you.
In Mel’s words:
“Chasing love only chases it away.”
Healthy relationships happen when effort flows naturally—not because you push, persuade, or perform for it.
You Don’t Need to Shrink to Be Loved
Above all, relationships should add to your life, not shrink it.
You should never have to become smaller, quieter, easier, or less of yourself to keep someone interested.
Mel writes:
“Do not spend your time trying to shrink yourself into a tiny little box or become someone new, or change who you are, just to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love you back.”
Love requires authenticity—not self-erasure.
Your Effort Is Valuable—Give It Only to Those Who Earn It
Your time, energy, and heart are valuable.
Don’t hand them to people who aren’t showing up.
“If they are not making an effort, they are not worth yours.”
You deserve someone who chooses you with clarity, consistency, and care—not someone who keeps you in emotional limbo.
You Are Allowed to Cut the Cord
If someone is stringing you along, you don’t have to stay.
Mel says:
“When someone is stringing you along, you have the power to cut the cord. You are an active participant in the stringing along.”
This isn’t about blame. It’s about empowerment.
You get to choose who you allow access to your life.
Dating Should Add to Your Life—Not Drain It
At the core, dating should feel like an addition, not a subtraction.
Someone coming into your life should enhance your peace—not create chaos.
You shouldn't lose yourself to gain someone else.
Here’s the truth I want every client to hear:
✅ You are worthy of clarity
✅ You are worthy of consistency
✅ You are worthy of effort
✅ You are worthy of healthy love
✅ You are worthy of someone who values you—not someone you have to chase
Healthy dating starts with knowing your worth and refusing to negotiate it.
If anxiety, attachment wounds, or past relationships are shaping the way you date, therapy can help you rebuild confidence, strengthen boundaries, and finally choose partners who add to your life instead of draining it.
You deserve a love that feels safe.
You deserve a love that feels certain.
And you deserve a love that honors who you are—without needing you to shrink.
